{"id":141,"date":"2026-04-22T11:26:57","date_gmt":"2026-04-22T11:26:57","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/marianogarciapsicologo.com\/?p=141"},"modified":"2026-06-01T13:35:26","modified_gmt":"2026-06-01T13:35:26","slug":"por-que-me-cuesta-poner-limites-aunque-sepa-que-deberia","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/marianogarciapsicologo.com\/en\/por-que-me-cuesta-poner-limites-aunque-sepa-que-deberia\/","title":{"rendered":"Why do I find it hard to set boundaries even though I know I should?"},"content":{"rendered":"
When I know what I want to say\u2026 but it doesn't come out<\/strong><\/pre>\n\n\n\n
Some people, in certain situations, are quite clear about what they would like to say, what makes them uncomfortable, or even what they consider most consistent with their feelings. But when the moment comes to put it into words, something shifts, and the scene takes a different turn. What was clear before becomes blurred, gets downplayed, or simply disappears, and in its place comes a more accommodating, more cautious response, more in line with what seems to be expected.
Later, once the situation has passed, that clarity usually returns quite sharply. The person reviews what happened, finds other possible ways they could have responded, tells themselves they'll do things differently next time, and yet, when a similar scenario arises, the outcome is once again too similar to the previous one. That's where the feeling of repetition begins to take hold, a repetition that is disconcerting because it doesn't fit with the idea that understanding something should be enough to change it.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
It's not just a matter of character<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n
From the outside, these kinds of situations are usually explained quite simply: lack of boundaries, insecurity, difficulty asserting oneself, or low self-esteem. These explanations may contain some truth, but they often remain superficial, because in many of these cases there isn't a lack of clarity or a general inability to make decisions, but rather something much more localized that emerges in the interaction with the other person.
A person may be perfectly capable of making decisions in other areas of their life, may have sound judgment, even firmness in certain situations, and yet still find themselves repeating this same type of scenario in specific contexts. This introduces an important nuance: it's not that they "can't," but rather that there are times when something becomes difficult to sustain, and that isn't always resolved with more willpower.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
When the other person comes into play<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n
The scene changes when the other person is present. It's not the same to think about what you would say alone as it is to find yourself in the situation with someone else in front of you, with their gaze, their tone, their expectations, or their potential reaction. At that point, what seemed like a relatively clear decision becomes more complex, because it's no longer just about what you want to say, but about what saying it might imply in that specific relationship. Sometimes this is experienced as fear of the other person's reaction, but it's not always so obvious. Often there's no explicit threat, and yet there's a tendency to soften, to give in, or to avoid. Sometimes we arrive at hypotheses such as the discomfort of creating tension, the difficulty of sustaining a disagreement, or even a way of placing ourselves in a familiar position, even if it's not satisfactory. These assumptions might offer some relief, perhaps momentary, or even give us a point of reference, but on their own they don't resolve what happens to us, what takes hold of us, in that encounter with another person.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
It's not just the other person, it's the place one occupies<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n
At this point, the explanation often focuses on the other person's behavior: that they demand too much, that they are disrespectful, that they are intrusive. And in some cases, there may be some truth to that, but when the scene repeats itself with different people and in different contexts, another question begins to carry more weight, one that doesn't focus so much on what the other person is like, but rather on what position one occupies in relation to that other person.
It's not about blaming yourself or assuming everything depends on you, but about recognizing that there's something about the way one finds oneself implicated in these situations that repeats itself regardless of the circumstances. There's a position that's activated at certain times, and it doesn't always come from a conscious decision; it appears almost as an automatic response.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
What happens without being fully decided<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n
One of the characteristics of these situations is that there's often no clear decision to give in. It's not that the person thinks, "I'm going to do this even though I don't want to," but rather that the response arises quite immediately. They say yes, avoid a conversation, or let something slide, and only later do they realize that wasn't what they really wanted to do.
This gap between what one thinks afterward and what one does in the moment generates considerable frustration, because it leaves the impression that something is slipping away. It's not a lack of reflection, because the person can analyze what happened very well, but there comes a point where that analysis isn't enough to change what's happening once the scene is unfolding.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
The cost of holding a boundary<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n
Setting a boundary isn't just about saying something different; it's also about being able to handle what comes after. It might involve discomfort, tension, silence, or a reaction from the other person that doesn't match what you expected. And it's not always easy to get through that without backing down or trying to quickly fix the situation. Nor is it about holding the boundary \u201cby force,\u201d because it will only hold for as long as that effort is maintained; no real change of position has taken place.
In many cases, giving in serves as a way to avoid immediate discomfort. External conflict is avoided, but at the cost of generating internal unease that emerges later. And this balance, even if unconscious, tends to repeat itself because it resolves something in the short term, even if it complicates things in the medium or long term.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Why quick fixes don't always work<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n
Approaches that focus on techniques or forms of communication can be useful in certain contexts, but when the difficulty lies at this level, they often fall short. Because it's not just about what to say, but about what saying that implies in the relationship with the other person and what position one is prepared to hold at that moment.
Changing the words without addressing that position can generate even more tension, because the person tries to apply something that they don't quite feel is their own or that conflicts with the way they usually position themselves in that type of relationship.
There comes a point when these situations cease to be experienced as isolated incidents and begin to be recognized as part of a pattern. One starts to see that it's not "this time," but something that keeps coming back, and that allows for a slight shift in the question.
It's not so much \"how do I say no,\" but rather \"what happens in these scenes where I end up giving in\", what's at stake, what's being avoided, and what position one occupies. It's not a question with an immediate answer, but it's usually more accurate in reflecting what's really going on.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
A different place from which to begin looking<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n
When you can begin to look at these situations without reducing them to a lack of character or a mistake to be corrected, something shifts. It doesn't necessarily change everything at once, but the scene ceases to be merely something to be avoided or resolved, and begins to become something that can be interpreted.
And in that reading, little by little, other ways of positioning oneself may appear, not so much because one has decided to do it differently, because a different kind of room begins to open up in relation to what previously seemed imposed.
Every decision involves a giving something up, something to lose, something to let go of, a cost. Some \"no's\" represent loss, while others represent a transition to new fields of action. Sometimes the highest cost isn't making space for transformation, but sustaining an effort that continues to yield the same results, even if it's unpleasant.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
If you recognize yourself in these types of situations, it might be worth taking a moment to look at it more calmly and see what is happening in your specific case.<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n
<\/p>","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
There are situations where you know what you'd like to say, but it doesn't happen in the moment. It's not just a matter of character or being clear about what you want. Sometimes there's something at stake in the relationship with the other person that makes you give in again, even if you don't want to.<\/p>","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":145,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"site-sidebar-layout":"default","site-content-layout":"","ast-site-content-layout":"default","site-content-style":"default","site-sidebar-style":"default","ast-global-header-display":"","ast-banner-title-visibility":"","ast-main-header-display":"","ast-hfb-above-header-display":"","ast-hfb-below-header-display":"","ast-hfb-mobile-header-display":"","site-post-title":"","ast-breadcrumbs-content":"","ast-featured-img":"","footer-sml-layout":"","ast-disable-related-posts":"","theme-transparent-header-meta":"","adv-header-id-meta":"","stick-header-meta":"","header-above-stick-meta":"","header-main-stick-meta":"","header-below-stick-meta":"","astra-migrate-meta-layouts":"default","ast-page-background-enabled":"default","ast-page-background-meta":{"desktop":{"background-color":"var(--ast-global-color-5)","background-image":"","background-repeat":"repeat","background-position":"center center","background-size":"auto","background-attachment":"scroll","background-type":"","background-media":"","overlay-type":"","overlay-color":"","overlay-opacity":"","overlay-gradient":""},"tablet":{"background-color":"","background-image":"","background-repeat":"repeat","background-position":"center center","background-size":"auto","background-attachment":"scroll","background-type":"","background-media":"","overlay-type":"","overlay-color":"","overlay-opacity":"","overlay-gradient":""},"mobile":{"background-color":"","background-image":"","background-repeat":"repeat","background-position":"center center","background-size":"auto","background-attachment":"scroll","background-type":"","background-media":"","overlay-type":"","overlay-color":"","overlay-opacity":"","overlay-gradient":""}},"ast-content-background-meta":{"desktop":{"background-color":"var(--ast-global-color-4)","background-image":"","background-repeat":"repeat","background-position":"center center","background-size":"auto","background-attachment":"scroll","background-type":"","background-media":"","overlay-type":"","overlay-color":"","overlay-opacity":"","overlay-gradient":""},"tablet":{"background-color":"var(--ast-global-color-4)","background-image":"","background-repeat":"repeat","background-position":"center center","background-size":"auto","background-attachment":"scroll","background-type":"","background-media":"","overlay-type":"","overlay-color":"","overlay-opacity":"","overlay-gradient":""},"mobile":{"background-color":"var(--ast-global-color-4)","background-image":"","background-repeat":"repeat","background-position":"center center","background-size":"auto","background-attachment":"scroll","background-type":"","background-media":"","overlay-type":"","overlay-color":"","overlay-opacity":"","overlay-gradient":""}},"footnotes":""},"categories":[1],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-141","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-uncategorized"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/marianogarciapsicologo.com\/en\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/141","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/marianogarciapsicologo.com\/en\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/marianogarciapsicologo.com\/en\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/marianogarciapsicologo.com\/en\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/marianogarciapsicologo.com\/en\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=141"}],"version-history":[{"count":4,"href":"https:\/\/marianogarciapsicologo.com\/en\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/141\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":334,"href":"https:\/\/marianogarciapsicologo.com\/en\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/141\/revisions\/334"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/marianogarciapsicologo.com\/en\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/145"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/marianogarciapsicologo.com\/en\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=141"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/marianogarciapsicologo.com\/en\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=141"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/marianogarciapsicologo.com\/en\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=141"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}